Category: Grief

This is a page from my notebook when my grief was still very raw. Many years have lapsed since this was written but the pain is real.

So the days before today were full of fear. My heart feels like there is a deep slice in it….. exposed to cold air. It’s a strange feeling and a cold flush sensation fills the void. How will I manage? Will I be able to keep it together? My 3 sons died years ago. The pain is still great, my heart still broken and fear still haunts me. I fight depression every day of my life. But today depression might win. I don’t feel strong enough to fight it. Tears are already flowing out of my heart inside my body. My heart aches and it is weeping as it does many times throughout the years. I remind myself to be thankful to God for the beautiful children I was allowed to birth. For the 20+years I got to spend with each of them. To love them and try to be the best mom I could for each of them. I often feel I failed all my children. I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t save them! I want to punish myself, hurt myself for being such a failure. Even though I feel I deserve it. I put that thought out of my mind. Those thoughts are from the dark side of my mind, a place I must avoid. They also had battles in their minds. On different nights each of them gave in to his battles. My mind wonders if that is the better way than living everyday with a battle that takes over your mind and eventually your soul, if you let it. As I write the tears flow down my face like a waterfall. I just want to be alone. I just want to cry my pain away. Stay in bed, cry, talk to God, talk to my boys. (I lost 3 sons) Sometimes you just have to cry, there’s no other way out. I have made progress with my depression battles. I do take medication which does help some of the time. But when there is a day(s) that hurt so deeply, the medication won’t work. Those are the days I allow myself to cry, try to keep busy, go into work and do things that will distract my mind until the day is over. It may not be the best solution but it works for me, it’s a compromise I’ve made with myself. It is much better way now, than how I used to deal with bad days. I allow myself 24 hours and then I have to move on. It’s a way to keep moving forward until one day my battle too, will finally end.